St. David’s Day? More like St. Justin Day.

Happy St. David’s Day – or Dydd Gwyl Dewi Sant Hapus if you’re that way inclined. I’m not Welsh and therefore haven’t spent my day gnawing through mountains of raw leeks, telling tales of red dragons, or listening to Tom Jones classics. But I’m not going to hold it against you if you did. My gripe is that unfortunately, for many young, deluded individuals this day has had a different significance. You may have seen it being celebrated throughout the world – most notably on Twitter – where vomit-inducing hash tags have been polluting my computer screen all day. Happy sodding 18th birthday, Justin Bieber.

The thing is, this prepubescent pop “superstar” is not what annoys me. Yes, he has one of those faces you would love to punch. And I wouldn’t mind taking a hacksaw to his pristine lego hair. I’ll even admit that I’m jealous of the $100 000 sports car he got given live on the Ellen Degeneres Show today. But his annoying, stupid, baby face isn’t what winds me up. It’s the legions of crazy “Bieliebers” who worship him like he’s some sort of cult figure. I just want to grab them and scream in their face “HE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!”

Now I know it’s not always their fault. There seems to be some illness going around known as “Bieber Fever”, with young girls being particularly susceptible. There’s videos of them all over YouTube. It’s a serious problem that needs eradicating and I believe the solution is this: They should be taken – blindfolded – to an isolated military base – in Iraq. Then Justin’s song “Baby” should be played to them at a deafening level – but at ultra-high speed so his irritating voice sounds even more high-pitched. Then when their blindfold is removed, they’ll see dozens of Taliban fighters all pointing their weapons at them, all of whom will be wearing zombified Bieber masks, and disjointed Bieber wigs. The lights will flicker on and off, and the room will be laden with mirrors like some kind of freakish circus nightmare. Instilling the fear of Bieber in them will certainly work.

And you know it’s for the best. I mean, it’s only a matter of years before Bieber goes the way of every child star – a debaucherous decline into rehab, for drink-driving, cocaine addiction and bipolar depression.

And if not – there’s always this

Matthew Burgess


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