The last film I watched was rubbish. In fact, it was so bad I can’t even remember what it was called. It had Jonah Hill in it if that narrows it down for you at all. I no longer like the cinema and I haven’t got the patience or a solid enough internet connection (my broadband is supplied by Virgin Media) to illegally download a film. Besides, I find it difficult to watch videos or films on my laptop unless they contain terrible acting and euphemistic titles.
The real problem I have with the cinema is the price. I used to think it was slightly overpriced because you sat in comfort. However, in my relatively young age I seem to have developed what’s known by the chronic sufferers as “numb bum syndrome”. For those of you who do not suffer with this condition I’ll briefly explain. If I, or any fellow sufferer, sit in the same place for a long period of time, typically over an hour and half (movie length), then my bum goes numb. The word uncomfortable doesn’t do it justice.
Unless your mobile phone is contractually linked to Orange and you have nothing better to do on a Wednesday evening, then the cinema is just overpriced and overhyped. It’s borderline daylight robbery to charge £7.10 to watch a film – it costs even more if you’re an adult.
Once you’ve overcome the ticket prices, you then have to attempt to smuggle your own sweets into the film. Unless, of course, you remortgage your house in order to buy pick ‘n’ mix or are in the minority of people who are partial to Flying Saucers. Incidentally, how does one go about eating a Flying Saucer? Do you eat around them, rather like a Jaffa Cake and then extract the sherbet? Do you just chew them and hope for the best? Or do you let them dissolve on your tongue? Answers on a postcard.
Congratulations! You’ve overcome all the hurdles so far. You’ve reluctantly purchased a ticket and managed to sneak your share-size bag of Minstrels past the spotty youth guarding the door to the screen. Said youth has torn your ticket slightly to acknowledge its legitimacy, as part of your soul dies at the fact that for £7.10 the ticket hasn’t remained intact. After several minutes of searching in the dark for your seat, knocking over fellow cinema-goers’ popcorn and irritating the shit out of everyone in the room, you’ve realised that “GA” means “General Admission” and you can actually sit wherever you want.
All that is left for you to do now is to sit and enjoy the 20 minutes or so of adverts and trailers that will shortly follow before the feature begins.
Please turn off your mobile phones. We hope that you enjoy the movie.